Table of Contents
They say teamwork makes the dream work. But in software development, there’s a higher law: if it works on my machine, then the bug is clearly your problem.
Step 1: Ship With Confidence
You’ve written code. You’ve tested it locally. It runs without errors, the UI looks perfect, and the database even responds within one second. That’s all the validation you need. Commit. Push. Deploy. Go home early.
Step 2: Blame the Environment
The tester says the app crashes? That’s not your fault. They probably forgot to install 17 undocumented dependencies. Clearly, their machine isn't properly configured — unlike yours, which is an ecosystem of perfection built over five years of random tweaks and alias scripts.
Step 3: Refuse to Use Docker
Containers are for people who don’t trust their machines. Real developers run everything natively and insist that everyone else “just needs the right setup.” If it breaks elsewhere, they should reformat their hard drive and start over.
Step 4: Dismiss CI/CD Failures
Continuous Integration fails? Strange. "It passed locally," you say, arms folded. Maybe the pipeline is haunted. Or maybe Jenkins is having a bad day. Either way, this has nothing to do with your code.
Step 5: Send Screenshots As Proof
Rather than fixing the issue on staging or production, take a screenshot of the app running smoothly on your desktop. Send it to the team with the caption, "Looks fine to me." This is called Visual Quality Assurance™.
Step 6: Declare It an Infrastructure Issue
If all else fails, blame DevOps. “Must be a server config problem.” Bonus points if you add, “Works on my end” during every standup while sipping coffee smugly.
Reality Check
If it only works on your machine, then it doesn’t actually work.
Software is meant to run in the real world — not just on your meticulously rigged local setup. The goal isn’t to build software for your machine. It’s to make it work for everyone else’s.
Be serious. Document your environment. Test on staging. Use version control responsibly. Embrace reproducibility.
Working on your machine is just the first step — not the final one.
