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Standups are meant to be short, focused, and productive.
In reality, they’re daily performance reviews disguised as “quick check-ins.”
So I did what any self-respecting developer would do:
I attended a 28-minute Zoom standup...
...without speaking.
Not once.
Here’s how I pulled it off.
Step 1: Mute Early, Mute Often
The moment the meeting starts, I go silent — permanently. I don’t just mute myself. I mute my soul.
Bonus tip: pretend you're adjusting your mic at the start. This buys you at least 2 minutes of suspicion-free silence.
Step 2: The Active Nod Loop™
When someone calls your name, just nod. Nod like your Wi-Fi depends on it.
Occasionally raise a thumb or lean forward like you're about to speak — but don’t. The illusion of effort is more powerful than effort itself.
Step 3: Camera Framing = Authority
Crop your camera tight. Eye contact, minimal background.
Looks focused. Says nothing. You’re present but untouchable.
It’s called the "CEO Zoom Aura."
Step 4: Leverage Background Noise
Pretend there’s construction, a crying baby, or a barking dog just outside the frame.
This creates plausible deniability for not unmuting.
It also makes you relatable — which is terrifyingly effective.
Step 5: Pretend to Be Frozen
A classic. Mid-meeting, stare blankly. Don’t blink. Hold still.
Eventually, someone says “I think they froze.”
You’ve just skipped your turn.
Step 6: Thank Someone in Chat and Log Off Quietly
Drop a “Great updates everyone, thanks” in the chat right before time’s up.
No one questions it. It’s polite. It’s safe. It’s closure.
Final Thought
This isn’t about laziness. It’s about survival.
Sometimes, the code is broken, the coffee is cold, and you simply have no emotional capacity to say, “Yesterday I worked on fixing bugs.”
But in truth, communication matters. Eventually, you’ll have to speak. Or worse — lead the standup.
Until then, nod wisely. Mute with purpose. Survive.
